Feverishness and Guilt



Fiona, feeling fine

So, last night, Fiona woke me up at about one thirty in the morning, and even as I was waking myself up and trying to focus on the words she was saying, I could tell she was talking very fast in the hot, breathy voice that always accompanies a fever.  Well, accompanies a fever for her.  Each of my kids has a "tell" that lets me know they are really sick, not just tired or having a round of allergies.  Delia's eyes get very cloudy, and the the area under her eyes is a transparent purple.  Usually that means she is going to fall deeply asleep or throw up, or both,  some time in the next two hours.  My oldest son had a pinched look, as though he weren't getting enough air, which was fitting, because he also battled asthma symptoms and carried an inhaler at least until junior high.  My younger son got pale, and extremely cranky.  The crankiness also comes over Fiona, and Delia gets kind of weepy.  All of this has always made me cranky and kind of weepy too, not only because I suffer when my children suffer, but because so often, sick children present a gigantic logistical challenge.  Oy!

That's bad, right?  It's bad to not only feel sorry for the sick kid but to feel sorry for yourslf too, because you have to go to work tomorrow, even though it looks like your kid is going to have to stay home.  Because no one can cover for you, or you've had to miss too many days already, or because you just flat-out won't get paid, and then the whole family will suffer next week if you miss this shift.  And by "you," I mean me.  I confess that I own this particular badness, because as I look back on my life as a mom, I realize that I have spent days and nights hoping a fever will break, not only because I want my kid to be better, but because I really don't want to have to call out, or to call in a favor, or to call and ask someone who doesn't owe me a favor to help me out, or to switch shifts, or to work 10 days in a row because I had to switch shifts, because someone had to do me a favor.  I also own the badness of sending a kid without a fever, who might be better off at home for the day, to school, and then spending the day at work feeling guilty and keeping my fingers crossed and sending up thank you prayers every hour I didn't get a call from the school. 

I hate being that mom.  The mom whose kid feels under the weather and walk like zombies through the school day.  The mom who might be sending a germ bomb to school, just to be sure that we can eat next week.  And I am not always that mom.  When I had the good fortune to have a job with sick days, I never took them for myself.  I went to work with a fever, if necessary (hello germ bomb!) to make sure that I could take off when the kids were sick.  I worked all weekend most weeks, when I knew someone could cover for me at home, so that I could be more flexible during the week, especially during cold and flu season, which, if you have kids, you know runs year-round. 

And tomorrow, I will stay home if Fiona is sick.  I already dread the call-out, the work-around, the anxiety of trying to figure out how I will cover any lost hours.  But what I dread even more is the possibility of spending eight hours feeling like I did the wrong thing for Fiona, by making her go to school sick. 

She's sleeping soundly now, cool as a cucumber and breathing lightly.  It looks like we've turned the corner, but I won't really know until she gets up.  And yes, my fingers are crossed, and I'm sending up a prayer.  For her, of course, and for me too.   We could both use a break...

Mom Friends

Fiona asked me the other day why I wasn't friends with the moms of kids in her class, like I am with the moms of Delia's friends.  I really didn't know what to say, because there isn't really a reason, but there are some explanations, beginning with how we all got to know each other. Mainly, I got to be friends with "the moms," as Fiona calls them, because we were all sitting together waiting to pick our kids up and we all kind of bonded over that.  Our family had not been living back in Scottsdale that long when Delia started kindergarten, and we really knew no one here with school aged kids-- except for my true bff Alex who has three boys a little older than my girls, but I knew her way before we had these kids, and I'm not sure that counts-- so when Delia started school, it was all new.  Plus, Delia simultaneously made friends with the kids that belonged to the moms I was hanging with, so it was easy to talk about what was going on, and to make plans to get together outside of school because the kids also wanted to hang out.  Another factor was that we live walking distance from the school, so the moms saw us around the neighborhood, and often offered us rides home, and then to school for pick-up time, because, in Arizona, the school year starts in August, when the days are 100 degrees and above and even a short walk can be exhausting.  It was also easy to have them stop in at our house here and there after school, since we were close by.  So, I guess, I got to be friends with these moms for the same reason most of us end up married to people we meet at work, or school, or church:  access.  It's easier to make friends with someone when you share interests, and you can't make friends with people unless your paths cross pretty regularly.


Now that we've all known each other a while, we talk about lots of stuff that goes beyond our kids, and we support each other and have a really nice network of families.  We have gone through job changes and family health issues together and we've vented and laughed and bitched and cried together.  We've seen our kids grow and change together over the last couple of years.

It's not that I don't want to be friends with moms from Fiona's class, because I have met a few women I like really well.  But a couple of things have changed since Delia started school that make it harder to fall into the natural rhythm of getting to know new people.  One thing is that, this year, the school district has developed a new policy of "kids only" inside the school yard during school hours as part of its safety and security program.  So now, instead of walking the kids onto the playground and standing around chatting while the kids play before the bell rings, parents walk the kids just up to the school gate or let them out of the car in the parking lot drop off lanes. Without the opportunity to congregate in the morning and get to know each other, there isn't an effortless exchange like there was when Delia started kindergarten.  On this same note, I realize that I wasn't working when Delia started school, so I was there on the schoolyard to pick her up every day, opening up another possibility for meeting other parents.  Now, I work part time, so I am only there in the afternoon a couple of days a week, and then, I tend to spend the time catching up with the moms I know-- my mom friends-- instead of striking up new relationships.  A mom can only spread herself so thin, after all.  

Fiona, 3 year old "wing-girl"

And finally, I can't discount the fact that, when Delia was in kindergarten,  I always had Fiona with me, and there is no better ice breaker than an active, chatty three year old, except maybe a labradoodle puppy.  She was a great "wingman" for making mom friends.  

I also have to be honest then, and take some of this on myself.  I'm not really good about putting myself out there and being a joiner.  I'm pretty strongly in the introvert camp.  I mean, I'm a writer partly because I like to sit by myself and think.  A lot.  And I'm much older than a lot of these moms (like, I could be their mom) and I admit that this even made it hard for me with the mom friends I have made.  Yeah, you caught me, I am whining in self defense.  

I have tried to step up my efforts to help in Fiona's class, so I have volunteered for Art Masterpiece, and I did go on the field trip to a farm in October, and I helped out with the fall festival (oh, wait, that was for Delia's class, so it didn't really help me meet kindergarten parents...)  I did see a promising sign a couple of weeks ago.  I was walking to school to help with a kindergarten party/art activity, when one of the kindergarten moms stopped and offered me a ride the rest of the way.  Our kids are friends, so we had plenty to talk about and it was fun to work in the classroom with her.  We've just become Facebook friends, so I think that's a start...

School yard pic from this page